(no subject)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

repeat, repeat.

no matter what you think you know

until you've suffered as much as i've suffered

i don't think you will ever understand why i act the way i do, or appreciate me for who i am.

i have hope i'll be restored,
but more than restored, to become great.

what i'm destined for, what i've always been told.
i think emerging from the pit of a fire even stronger is the purpose for the horrible things that happen to you.
you'll either be destroyed or reborn.
no longer weak

(no subject)

sometimes i just have no reasons, no energy to do anything.
smoke instead of eat, cry instead of do anything.
get mad, instead of understanding.
i don't have the energy to try

it tickles me

when i read those things people list that say,
oh here, i'll example that tickle.

They’ve gone on silly dinner dates.

Buy random presents just for the fun of it.

Take lots of naps together.

Are comfortable in just sweats around each other.

Share everything and anything with the other.

Go to the movies just to hang out.

Have dinner with their parents and just talk.

Who walks the other to class just to make sure they got there okay.

Talks and brags to their friends about the other.

Fighting even though they know they’re not gonna break up.

something i saw on someone's tumblr.
i read these things everywhere and see little icons on the computer-- where i am all day that just have these labels on love
be just like these two elephants with their trunks snuggling and a heart levitating above them

find your perfect match
"the first time we met we talked all night. i've never met someone with so much in common on SO MANY LEVELS. LIKE THAT ONE GAME WHERE YOU ALWAYS THINK IT'S THE BOSS LEVEL BUT IT'S NOTTTTTTTT :C."

i read all of these, and i don't think i've ever thought;
"oh no, i don't have that, i want that."

cause i do have it.
what they DON'T talk about is what i think are the important things.
so here's my list, and my favorite things about my relationship-- because up to the shallow standard it far surpasses, just doesn't do it justice.
so here goes.

the small things i cherish most and realize their special qualities:

there's no lies, no gray area, no hidden agenda

when i'm mad, you tell me why i'm wrong but still hold me. you don't pull away or yell.

even when we see each other for two minutes it's still memorable.

we both know what each other needs, and we do it for each other without thinking.

when i wake up you don't complain about my morning breath or my messy hair you just tell me how beautiful i am.

we are so completely intertwined that we're suffocating each other and it pulls on our skin when we are apart.

when we are not speaking to each other, and we are separated, we both find death welcoming us.

no matter how drastically different we are in necessity, we are so similar, to the point we argue over things we don't believe or stand behind.

you can always make me smile. always. even if you were hit by a car and sprawled on the road you would still make a joke to make me smile. to lift the burdens off of small moments.

like a wince

or flinch

i know what's coming.
such a sense of urgency and panic you create for me

i'm so scared of everything
so much so that i give faces to my fears
and don't despise them, but cower under them
so terrified

of just the thoughts
when people are angry with me it just shakes me completely now
every little thing, you're right. it upsets me.

but how can i dismiss the little things?
i never payed attention before, and it cost me.
it cost me so much of my life.
i feel i need to protect myself in any way possible.



okay responsibility, your hold on me is coming close >.<
considering moving out.

okay go.

bad feelings?
kind of.
excited? mostly.

worried. worried. worried.
i could deal with it, if it didn't become too stressful.
job hunting+meds time
ha >.<

clean piss, just realized :/

i really do.
fuck smoking.
ffffffffuckk ittttttt.

i don't even like it anymore
yet, you still have a hold on me
because i don't have clean pee :'/
in a month i will though, i suppose :o

i barely like smoking squares anymore

i'm starting to realize how retarted drugs are.
and how shitty they make me feel.

but i'm so tired all the time.
never win, right.
it's funny how strong my loyalty is becoming.
like those little urges or impulses i have to get angry/pull away/do something i shouldn't just becoming fleeing thoughts. and i don't act on them anymore.
i actually think about what i'm doing.
maybe my brain is actually growing, or something.
i don't know :o

i'm abundantly happy i deleted my old entries and my myspace.
fb, i'll deal for awhile.
you connect me to the worlds, i guess?
but i still have to keep my mouth all shut and shit, GAY.
maybe i'll let go of that, too.

i only got on because i had a dream about this boy that i used to have a whatever with.
it made me happy. and then i got on fb so i could see his stuff. and it really made me sad.
and i let him go.
i let all of those could-have-beens go, really.
just fleeing feelings.

it feels right but still i ache on the inside
so hurt and torn apart and i don't know when i'll heal.

i wish it was now,
i wish i wasn't a child anymore. because i am such a child.
i would just like to be taken care of.

ideally i wouldn't have to go to school, success would just come.
ideally, i wouldn't have to get jobs i hate and stress just kills me. tears me apart.
i can feel weights on my shoulders like boulders or buildings just crushing me.

so much pressure. what can i do.

to live with you, my baby, would be ecstasy.
but i would still need that little blue pill, the one that makes me happy.
because i would be so stressed out.
but maybe working, getting into some kind of responsibility again would pull me away from this feeling.

but this doesn't feel like home to me.
you do.

i love you baby.
even though this is falling into the abyss of nowhere, and honestly i don't care.


i'm going to sleep sound, and doctor later this week. :)
kind of hungry?

leftovers much?! :D
and good movie, but what to watch >.<
soy milks too.

god i wish you were here.
i wish i could spend every night with you. and wake up with you everyday.
the weekends are never long enough.
you make me feel so full of love.
you are my best friend.
and if i had to only see one face for the rest of my life i would want it to be yours.
to reject what we have is to live a life of disappointment.
and to think of the past is not what love is. and i know this.
because i love you and there can be no one else.

there's magic in memories captured in music.
feelings forever attached to strings of words over a melody.
because when you hear it and it feels right, it sticks to your thoughts like glue.
then you hear it again and feelings rush right back in.

"You've got a nerve to be asking a favor
You've got a nerve to be calling my number
I know we've been through this before
Can't you hear me, I'm calling out your name?
Can't you see me, I'm pounding on your door?

You've got a nerve to be asking a favor
You've got a nerve to be calling my number
Can't you hear me, I'm bleeding on the wall?
Can't you see me, I'm pounding on your door?

Can't you hear me when I'm calling out your name?

When I used to go out, I would know everyone that I saw
Now I go out alone if I go out at all"

you answered me. you save me.

all of the pain is so totally, and completely, worth the time we share together.
and i'll take a thousand more broken hearts and fifty million more tears if i have to.
chances are i won't have to, though. :)
nothing is perfect.
but, some things do last.

i love you.
  • Current Music
    pajama jam disc dos!

(no subject)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."