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14 February 2010 @ 11:56 pm

okay responsibility, your hold on me is coming close >.<
considering moving out.

okay go.

bad feelings?
kind of.
excited? mostly.

worried. worried. worried.
i could deal with it, if it didn't become too stressful.
job hunting+meds time
ha >.<

clean piss, just realized :/

i really do.
fuck smoking.
ffffffffuckk ittttttt.

i don't even like it anymore
yet, you still have a hold on me
because i don't have clean pee :'/
in a month i will though, i suppose :o

i barely like smoking squares anymore

i'm starting to realize how retarted drugs are.
and how shitty they make me feel.

but i'm so tired all the time.
never win, right.
it's funny how strong my loyalty is becoming.
like those little urges or impulses i have to get angry/pull away/do something i shouldn't just becoming fleeing thoughts. and i don't act on them anymore.
i actually think about what i'm doing.
maybe my brain is actually growing, or something.
i don't know :o

i'm abundantly happy i deleted my old entries and my myspace.
fb, i'll deal for awhile.
you connect me to the worlds, i guess?
but i still have to keep my mouth all shut and shit, GAY.
maybe i'll let go of that, too.

i only got on because i had a dream about this boy that i used to have a whatever with.
it made me happy. and then i got on fb so i could see his stuff. and it really made me sad.
and i let him go.
i let all of those could-have-beens go, really.
just fleeing feelings.

it feels right but still i ache on the inside
so hurt and torn apart and i don't know when i'll heal.

i wish it was now,
i wish i wasn't a child anymore. because i am such a child.
i would just like to be taken care of.

ideally i wouldn't have to go to school, success would just come.
ideally, i wouldn't have to get jobs i hate and stress just kills me. tears me apart.
i can feel weights on my shoulders like boulders or buildings just crushing me.

so much pressure. what can i do.

to live with you, my baby, would be ecstasy.
but i would still need that little blue pill, the one that makes me happy.
because i would be so stressed out.
but maybe working, getting into some kind of responsibility again would pull me away from this feeling.

but this doesn't feel like home to me.
you do.

i love you baby.
even though this is falling into the abyss of nowhere, and honestly i don't care.


i'm going to sleep sound, and doctor later this week. :)
kind of hungry?

leftovers much?! :D
and good movie, but what to watch >.<
soy milks too.

god i wish you were here.
i wish i could spend every night with you. and wake up with you everyday.
the weekends are never long enough.
you make me feel so full of love.
you are my best friend.
and if i had to only see one face for the rest of my life i would want it to be yours.
to reject what we have is to live a life of disappointment.
and to think of the past is not what love is. and i know this.
because i love you and there can be no one else.

there's magic in memories captured in music.
feelings forever attached to strings of words over a melody.
because when you hear it and it feels right, it sticks to your thoughts like glue.
then you hear it again and feelings rush right back in.

"You've got a nerve to be asking a favor
You've got a nerve to be calling my number
I know we've been through this before
Can't you hear me, I'm calling out your name?
Can't you see me, I'm pounding on your door?

You've got a nerve to be asking a favor
You've got a nerve to be calling my number
Can't you hear me, I'm bleeding on the wall?
Can't you see me, I'm pounding on your door?

Can't you hear me when I'm calling out your name?

When I used to go out, I would know everyone that I saw
Now I go out alone if I go out at all"

you answered me. you save me.

all of the pain is so totally, and completely, worth the time we share together.
and i'll take a thousand more broken hearts and fifty million more tears if i have to.
chances are i won't have to, though. :)
nothing is perfect.
but, some things do last.

i love you.
Current Mood: lovedloved
Current Music: pajama jam disc dos!